Sunday, February 6, 2011
How to know when you're in for a surprise
So... until recently I didn't pay any attention when I heard the term "built" or "broad" for a guy.. Well, wouldn't most girls want a nice guy that's trim and fit and looks like an abercrombie model? Hmmm.. well like me, you're in for a surprise if that's what you are thinking! So I've sadly found out that "built" and "broad" and "regular", "not heavy not thin" in fact means obese. In a nice, "let's not ruin this shidduch" way. How about the waste of time, and emotions that could get involved? How about the rejection the guy is now bound to face that could have been avoided with an honest answer? Now I'm sure there are girls that don't mind, but please, all the lovely people out there- do us all a favor and say it like it is!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Nothing like a really good date!
Good dates are a scarcity in this day and age, the supply never manages to meet the demand ,because I feel that if it did we'd all be married by now. But once in a blue moon you meet someone who just floats your boat. I recently went out on a really good date and I wanted to write about what made it so good.
First of all, the man takes charge. He says he'll pick you up at 7 and the rest is up to him. I even like it when he pick you up and doesn't tell you where he's taking you right away. I love that feeling of suspense when only he knows and you're left guessing. It's so....masculine! Then on the opposite extreme there's the guy who calls and starts with "so what do you want to do? I don't know what there is to do in your area, why don't you pick something?" There's no excuse for not being about to do a little research for a first date.
Next, he looks presentable. He doesn't have to look like Dr. McSteamy ( if he does,though, please make an extra effort to like him or I will!), but as long as he's showered, smells nice, pants are ironed, shirt is tucked in and hair is combed (if he's lucky to still have any) then he's going to come off as somewhat attractive.
The third thing that makes a good date is when he is really interested in getting to know you. That my friends, is the ultimate turn on. When he asks you real menaningful questions to get to know who you are as an individual, instead of the usual 'where are you from? how many siblings do you have? what do your parents do? what do you for shabbos?' routine it just makes the date so much more interesting. It also allows you to get past all the annoying small talk that makes first dates feel like you don't even have to be there; a recording of your life story would have done the job.
Making you feel that money isn't an issue is another quality of a good dater. A guy who makes you feel comfortable enough that you'd order what you wanted to eat without feeling qualms about the price knows how to treat a lady. That doesn't mean you're allowed to take advantage, of course, but no woman should go hungry on a date just because the guy doesn't want to spend any money.
A man should be chivalrous. Ladies first is not just for Disney Princess movies. Guys: open doors for us, offer to carry our bag, let us choose where we want to sit, watch to make sure we get into our house at night, arive on time, don't leave us hanging after a date. These are all really simple things that you can do to boost our opinion of you.
I'm sure there are lots of other things that people find works for them on a date, like with me, if a guy thinks I'm funny, that'll really do it for me. But personally, I think that these are the 5 foundations of dating that are so basic to taking a lady out on a date, but that guys these days just don't seem to be aware of. Why? That remains a mystery. Maybe no one taught them. Maybe they're so burnt out that they just don't care anymore- which still isn't an excuse- you never know who the right one is so it pays to make an effort. And that's the moral of the story. Be nice, make a good impression. Even if she's not the one, you'll still end the evening with a girl who thinks you know how to be a gentleman- and if you really knew women, you'd know that that's no small feat to accomplish.
First of all, the man takes charge. He says he'll pick you up at 7 and the rest is up to him. I even like it when he pick you up and doesn't tell you where he's taking you right away. I love that feeling of suspense when only he knows and you're left guessing. It's so....masculine! Then on the opposite extreme there's the guy who calls and starts with "so what do you want to do? I don't know what there is to do in your area, why don't you pick something?" There's no excuse for not being about to do a little research for a first date.
Next, he looks presentable. He doesn't have to look like Dr. McSteamy ( if he does,though, please make an extra effort to like him or I will!), but as long as he's showered, smells nice, pants are ironed, shirt is tucked in and hair is combed (if he's lucky to still have any) then he's going to come off as somewhat attractive.
The third thing that makes a good date is when he is really interested in getting to know you. That my friends, is the ultimate turn on. When he asks you real menaningful questions to get to know who you are as an individual, instead of the usual 'where are you from? how many siblings do you have? what do your parents do? what do you for shabbos?' routine it just makes the date so much more interesting. It also allows you to get past all the annoying small talk that makes first dates feel like you don't even have to be there; a recording of your life story would have done the job.
Making you feel that money isn't an issue is another quality of a good dater. A guy who makes you feel comfortable enough that you'd order what you wanted to eat without feeling qualms about the price knows how to treat a lady. That doesn't mean you're allowed to take advantage, of course, but no woman should go hungry on a date just because the guy doesn't want to spend any money.
A man should be chivalrous. Ladies first is not just for Disney Princess movies. Guys: open doors for us, offer to carry our bag, let us choose where we want to sit, watch to make sure we get into our house at night, arive on time, don't leave us hanging after a date. These are all really simple things that you can do to boost our opinion of you.
I'm sure there are lots of other things that people find works for them on a date, like with me, if a guy thinks I'm funny, that'll really do it for me. But personally, I think that these are the 5 foundations of dating that are so basic to taking a lady out on a date, but that guys these days just don't seem to be aware of. Why? That remains a mystery. Maybe no one taught them. Maybe they're so burnt out that they just don't care anymore- which still isn't an excuse- you never know who the right one is so it pays to make an effort. And that's the moral of the story. Be nice, make a good impression. Even if she's not the one, you'll still end the evening with a girl who thinks you know how to be a gentleman- and if you really knew women, you'd know that that's no small feat to accomplish.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
She's just an amazing girl!
Did you ever notice how once people start dating they are suddenly described as "amazing"? I am curious to know what is up with using that word because if you think about what amazing really means it doesn't make so much sense to describe a person like that. According to Webster's dictionary this is the definition of the word amazing :causing great surprise or sudden wonder. So when someone wants to set me up with an 'amazing' guy, does that mean I'm going to be taken by surprise when I see him? Will my jaw drop? Will my knees get weak? Will I stare in wonder at the divine light that illuminates his entire being? Unless he's Moshe Rabeinu himself, I hardly expect to have that reaction from any man- even the one I decide to marry. And if you look at the synonyms for the word amazing it gets even better: astonishing, awe-inspiring, marvelous, prodigious... What would you say if you someone described a potential date as 'awe-inspiring'? Or prodigious? Or astonishing? You'd think they were a freak, right? So what is it about the word amazing that everyone thinks is so normal?
Is it just a safe way of avoiding giving an accurate description of a person? You say the word amazing and you fend off all other annoying questions? If that is the case then I think there should be some sort of criteria that fall under this umbrella term of 'amazing' since it is a pretty intense way of describing someone. I mean really, not EVERYONE can be described using a term also used for Matan Torah and the splitting of the Red Sea.
For instance, an 'amazing guy' would have to have davened 3 times a day with a minyan everyday since his bar mizvah, know Tanach by heart, make an income of at least 100K a year, helps old ladies cross the street, isn't threatened by putting on an apron and cooking for shabbat, would be ok being a stay at home dad if need be without it denting his ego, has an eye for fashion, perfect teeth, is an eloquent speaker, talented dancer, piano virtuoso, star athlete, refers to you as 'her highness', and shows up after work with diamonds on a random Tuesday just because he loves you. Now, a guy like that would inspire awe in most women I know! Anything short of that doesn't fit into the 'amazing' category.
Now for the ladies. What makes an 'amazing' girl? Well, most people use the term for someone who was head of GO in Bais Yaakov or head of color war at Camp Sternberg, but since that position is only open to 2 people per year, it's a little tough to be 'amazing' unless you were on of the chosen ones. But for a woman to be described as 'amazing' she would have to be super educated and successful and also manage to find the perfect balance between home and career, serve a gourmet dinner everynight, keep a spotless home at all times, always look like she walked out of the beauty salon- even after a night of staying up with her colicky baby, be able to devote her attention to every child simultaneously, head chesed organizations, open her home to others in need at all times, and of course, also be a an eloquent speaker, talented dancer, piano virtuoso, fashionista, artista, and have a smile on her face at all times.
But seriously, we're all just normal people, with good qualities and bad ones so why do we always try to portray everyday people as having super-human qualities. To make it seem like they can do no wrong is pointless because we know there is no such thing a a tzadik who never once made a mistake. So instead of using a dumb cliche that tells nothing about who the person is, why don't we start describing people for who they really are. There are so many words in the English language, start using them! And what about giving concrete examples to actually show people that you really know and appreciate the person you're talking about. I don't doubt that he's a thoughtful and caring guy, but why don't you tell me about the time that he came for shabbos and brought you those hard to find gummies that he knows you love. Or how he takes your kids to the park whenever you need a break. I would love to believe she has great midos so tell me about how she always makes sure to smile at everyone she meets and is careful to always say thank you to the bus driver. Those are the things that turn names into real people.
Describing a person's good points is the easy part, but then there's the bad side- which everyone tries to cover up and it's obvious why. Besides for the obvious issues of lashon harah, who wants to say something bad about their friend? I know someone who each time they research a potential date they make sure to ask for 2 areas where the person can work on themselves, which is a great idea because you're not asking for slander, yet realistically we know that even the people we marry will have some areas that can use improvement. I can really appreciate this approach having been in relationships with seemingly perfect people and then finding out the hard way that they were lacking in many crucial areas. So why not just ask? We all know that we're not perfect and that there will be times when our various flaws will challenge our marriages so let's just be open about who we are from the get-go instead of having to deal with the dissappointment that comes with confronting each others' imperfections the hard way.
Is it just a safe way of avoiding giving an accurate description of a person? You say the word amazing and you fend off all other annoying questions? If that is the case then I think there should be some sort of criteria that fall under this umbrella term of 'amazing' since it is a pretty intense way of describing someone. I mean really, not EVERYONE can be described using a term also used for Matan Torah and the splitting of the Red Sea.
For instance, an 'amazing guy' would have to have davened 3 times a day with a minyan everyday since his bar mizvah, know Tanach by heart, make an income of at least 100K a year, helps old ladies cross the street, isn't threatened by putting on an apron and cooking for shabbat, would be ok being a stay at home dad if need be without it denting his ego, has an eye for fashion, perfect teeth, is an eloquent speaker, talented dancer, piano virtuoso, star athlete, refers to you as 'her highness', and shows up after work with diamonds on a random Tuesday just because he loves you. Now, a guy like that would inspire awe in most women I know! Anything short of that doesn't fit into the 'amazing' category.
Now for the ladies. What makes an 'amazing' girl? Well, most people use the term for someone who was head of GO in Bais Yaakov or head of color war at Camp Sternberg, but since that position is only open to 2 people per year, it's a little tough to be 'amazing' unless you were on of the chosen ones. But for a woman to be described as 'amazing' she would have to be super educated and successful and also manage to find the perfect balance between home and career, serve a gourmet dinner everynight, keep a spotless home at all times, always look like she walked out of the beauty salon- even after a night of staying up with her colicky baby, be able to devote her attention to every child simultaneously, head chesed organizations, open her home to others in need at all times, and of course, also be a an eloquent speaker, talented dancer, piano virtuoso, fashionista, artista, and have a smile on her face at all times.
But seriously, we're all just normal people, with good qualities and bad ones so why do we always try to portray everyday people as having super-human qualities. To make it seem like they can do no wrong is pointless because we know there is no such thing a a tzadik who never once made a mistake. So instead of using a dumb cliche that tells nothing about who the person is, why don't we start describing people for who they really are. There are so many words in the English language, start using them! And what about giving concrete examples to actually show people that you really know and appreciate the person you're talking about. I don't doubt that he's a thoughtful and caring guy, but why don't you tell me about the time that he came for shabbos and brought you those hard to find gummies that he knows you love. Or how he takes your kids to the park whenever you need a break. I would love to believe she has great midos so tell me about how she always makes sure to smile at everyone she meets and is careful to always say thank you to the bus driver. Those are the things that turn names into real people.
Describing a person's good points is the easy part, but then there's the bad side- which everyone tries to cover up and it's obvious why. Besides for the obvious issues of lashon harah, who wants to say something bad about their friend? I know someone who each time they research a potential date they make sure to ask for 2 areas where the person can work on themselves, which is a great idea because you're not asking for slander, yet realistically we know that even the people we marry will have some areas that can use improvement. I can really appreciate this approach having been in relationships with seemingly perfect people and then finding out the hard way that they were lacking in many crucial areas. So why not just ask? We all know that we're not perfect and that there will be times when our various flaws will challenge our marriages so let's just be open about who we are from the get-go instead of having to deal with the dissappointment that comes with confronting each others' imperfections the hard way.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Guys can be a 'Hand'ful
So let’s talk about dirty fingernails for minute. There’s just no excuse for showing up to a date with dirty fingernails- even if you fix cars for a living, or if you just came from plowing the fields. Wash your hands, dude! Or get a “man”icure. I don’t know about the rest of you ladies out there, but I always make sure to look at a guy’s hands when I’m on a date. For me, that’s the attraction determiner. Nice hands, I’m in! Even if the other parts of you are less than desirable. I don’t know why, but for me, hands have a way of portraying a guy’s masculinity. I guess they shows strength and power. Roughness and toughness. Ok, ok, I know what you’re all thinking when I mention big hands, but honestly, I’m not even referring to that. I just want to know that I’m going to feel safe when my husband is holding my hand. I don’t want to feel like I’m the one protecting him! That’s why I like big hands. And tan ones. And even hairy ones. Being that I have hairy hands myself (I do make sure to wax, though) I have this thing that I can’t be the only hairy one in the relationship. It’s just not ok. It’s like some kind of weird role reversal. I once dated a guy who had the hands of a 12 year old girl. I really liked him, he had so many great qualities but I would cringe every time I looked at his delicate, little, pasty white fingers. I would never feel protected being held by his itty-bitty little hands. I know it sounds shallow to break up with someone because their hands aren’t to your liking but for me personally, hands have the power to repulse me. Call me shallow if you want, but it’s just one of those things.
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